Thursday, October 19, 2017

Advertising today, in two charts.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

I'm getting more than a little tired of advocacy ads.

And brands that link to important issues for their own spill-over benefit. Especially when they betray those important issues, or only pay bullshit reverence to them, like the Koch Brothers supporting the arts, or farming, then destroying freedom or the earth.

So, I wrote this.

An overlooked appendage.
We cover them with long pants.
With long skirts.
Wet suits.
As if to hide them from the world.
But at Biloxi Cream Cheese, an Adelaide Company,
we celebrate legs.
And all they do for us.
And people that have them.
People of all colors.
From all nations.
All creeds.
All isms.
They united us.
In standing.
In sitting.
In crossing.
They are vital to us.
And to so many legged people.
And even to people without legs,
legs are important,
because, like it or not, we live in a legged world.
So next time you spread some Biloxi Cream Cheese,
or eat some Biloxi Cream Cheese,
or share some Biloxi Cream Cheese,
think of legs and the people who have them.

They support us.
We support them.

With apologies to Dante.

There should be a ring of hell for....

....People who schedule meetings without looking at your calendar, so you always have a conflict.

....People who schedule meetings during lunch and don't provide lunch.

....People who schedule meetings.


There should be a ring of hell for...

Long single-spaced emails that hit your inbox at 8:30PM.

Shrill corporate emails telling you you're not in compliance, whatever compliance means.

Shrill corporate emails telling you to do your timesheets.

Corporate types touting the virtues of open-plan workspaces from the quiet of their private offices.

People with sloppy bathroom habits.

Jargon and the people who use it.

There should be a ring of hell for...

People who claim this channel or that channel is the answer.

People who proclaim things dead.

Gary Vaynerchuk.

People who like Gary Vaynerchuk, so he shows up in my LinkedIn feed.

People who call firing people anything but firing people. "Reductions in force," "right-sizing," "aligning with the changing media landscape" are the worst forms of lying.

People who don't have their money ready when they get to the front of a long line.

People who call men of my ilk, "stale, male and pale." That's ageist, sexist and racist.

People who write insipid lists when they've nothing to write about.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Worst stock photo of the week.

I found this particular affront (or paean to cornball) on Ad Age, illustrating an article felicitously entitled, "TV NETWORKS MEET ON THOR, NEW EFFORT TO PROVE THEIR ADS WORK."

The Yankees of the Bronx.

The temperature dropped about 25 degrees from yesterday to today, from about 70 degrees to 45 degrees. In other words, the weather (now that it is mid-October) is finally seasonable.

I remember when I was a kid when the weather started turning chilly around the start of the school year, my old lady bought me and my brother a light nylon windbreaker at Korvettes with the word "Yankees" in Yankee-script emblazoned in white across its Navy-blue front.

My mother tossed nickels around like manhole covers and rather than buying each of us a jacket, my brother and I, separated by just one grade and only a couple of inches, were meant to share the garment. Fred would get it on even days, me on odd.

These were the fading days of the Yankees' greatness, when they still had immortals on their squad, like Whitey Ford, Yogi Berra and, of course, the most-immortalest of all Mickey Mantle. 

My brother and I were sure that this jacket had magical properties, that somehow it would gird us with super-human Mickey-Mantle-like strength and ability. We were certain this jacket would, on our day to wear it, turn mere boys into Yankees.

The jacket was perfect for temperatures in the low-60s or high-50s, but one day, I prevailed upon my mother to let me wear my prized Yankee jacket into November. All was fine as I ran to school kicking a can or a rock the whole way. But while I was in school, dark clouds rolled in and the temperatures dropped like a stone. I ran home, freezing in my light windbreaker, with the temperatures in the low 30s.

What bothered me as I ran home from school shivering wasn't that I was cold--what bothered me was that my mother had been right, and I knew that the Yankee jacket would be put away for some months, until Persephone's pomegranate seeds bloomed again and golden-fingered Spring was upon us.

Last night, as if the world had not turned Macbethian and topsy-turvy with foul fair and fair foul, the Yankees played in the Bronx, near the stadium of my youth--the one called "The House that Ruth Built." Now, that stadium destroyed, the Yankees play in "The House the Taxpayers Built that only the Rich can Afford." 

But still, I'm sure, little boys are careening through their tilted little neighborhoods, running to school, and wearing Yankee jackets against the cold, dreaming of being Didi Gregorius or Aaron Judge, Mickey Mantle, like so much else, disappeared deep into memory.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Nobody asked me playoffs edition.

Nobody asked me but….is my occasional tribute to the great New York sportswriter, and all-around raconteur, Jimmy Cannon, who, when he had nothing to write about on the sporting scene, would pen one of these.

Nobody asked me but….

…you’re better off not buying your next bottle of wine from a shop called “Grape Expectations.”

…you should follow the advice of Nelson Algren, who wrote, "Never play cards with a man called Doc.”

…or “eat at a place called Mom's.”

…Finally, “Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own."

…I don’t know much about Nelson Algren, but those rules are good enough for me.

…Anyone who takes an online quiz—especially one on Facebook—has too much time on their hands.

…People were swimming at the beach yesterday.

…As if you need more proof for global warming.

…The major league baseball season as it is currently configured with three-rounds of playoffs is 30 games too long.

….That said, I’ll miss baseball when the season is over.

…I think the baseball season should start around tax day and end the first week of October.

…Does it ever occur to football fans that they’re cheering as the players get brain-damaged?

….I haven’t watched a single professional football down this year.

…Though I did listen to the last twenty minutes of Columbia’s overtime victory over Penn.

…Columbia has won more games this season than they did the entire time I was in college and grad school.

…If you read anything today, make it Charles Blow’s “Trump, Chieftain of Spite.”

….I may or may not be a workaholic, but I certainly hope Robert Mueller is one.

….I also hope he has a mean-streak a mile-wide.

….Those rotating ads behind home-plate during the ball game are disgusting.

…Advertising will perform better when we learn to give people space.

…You can say that about most relationships.

...Astros over the Yanks, in six. Dodgers over the Cubs, in five. Dodgers over Houston in the World Series in seven.